Two years ago today I was asked to leave where I was staying in Toronto. I saw a bunny that day before I got the news. The first place I stayed in Ottawa after I moved out was a host who had a bunny, loved them, & had bunny art in the unit I stayed in. Something about the synchronicity comforted me to keep going. Just yesterday I walked by that neighborhood. I have been thinking about how far I’ve come since then, and how much further I have to go.
Do you remember that first day I arrived in Ottawa? The rental company charged me an extra day, though I had technically returned on time. I was too tired to fight them on it. Do you remember how hard I cried while walking to my Airbnb alone? Remember how dis-regulated I was? How angry, bitter, and mean I was? How I tried desperately to be positive even when demoralized and lacking motivation or confidence. I was mostly hurt, licking my wounds, throwing pity parties, and drowning. I felt powerless but inspired to prove people wrong, and shame the naysayers.
Two years later, [they] still have the last laugh. But I care way less and feel even less compelled to seek external validation. I completed my Ph.D. Wrote my dissertation. Defended my project. I have been slowly building my side projects. Launched my website. Mapping out my business with help. Started blogging. Making YouTube and Soundcloud audio. Taking webinars and courses to learn from others. Writing fiction and non-fiction. I’ve lived on the Quebec side and in Ontario. Went paddle boarding. Had several roommates. I lived in more homes than I can count. Started pet sitting. Loving up on mostly cats. Leaving a dog made me cry. Establishing connections with new hosts. Putting myself out more. Just stepping back into my power. I’m even back online!
I have a health team and working with different service providers to get me back on track. I’m trying medication I had resistance to before. I’m in less pain. More clear. Feel more supported, less alone. Inspired but exhausted. Burned out but more alive.
I've failed forward. Had setbacks. Still struggling. But mostly, just proud of myself. Here’s a pic from today with my darling cat-friend Sparky. Plants and cats have been my greatest companions on this digital nomad journey, & I could not be more grateful.
2 years ago today, I got the news I needed to catapult me into my authenticity. In retrospect, it was a huge blessing in disguise. Just last week I had a breakthrough in and with my body. I’m feeling parts of myself I was disembodied from. I’m reconnecting with versions of me I didn’t know were possible. Awakening to what a mess this last decade has been.
Today’s blog post will address it.
If the title of this episode makes no sense, don't worry, I'm confused about what it means too. What is clear is that I've tried to tame my body in the past somehow. What I do understand is that I'm finally able to touch deep into the pain that hurt too much to face before. I'm slowly assessing just how much damage there is in my pelvic. I talk about that feeling of being duped, hoodwinked, and bamboozled when you realize just how much damage the chronic pain was doing. I talk about how it feels like domestication of my pelvic. How I and others tried to colonize this body, my house, my home. I'm here now. And feeling so grateful to be coming back home more and more each day.
You have to watch or listen to the episode. I'm choosing not to transcribe on here.
Disclaimer: TMI incoming.
Until next time, in solidarity.