Basking in the Brilliance of my Core Belief Systems & Positive Self-Talk
Updated: Sep 19, 2022
YouTube video and Soundcloud audio version available.
What a difference a few days, seasonal shifts, and astrological transitions can make.
That Virgo Full Moon in Pisces had me in my feelings a few days ago, as my last blog post expressed. Spring Equinox has sprung. And fiery Aries season is among us. In many ways, this is my season, if not more so than Aquarius season. My astrological chart is full of Aries placements. I'm more fire than air, making this one of my fav seasons. I’m feeling the confident arrogance of Aries and am here to discuss part 2 of this week’s homework assignment.
So as the last blog identified, the 12-week group coaching I’ve been taking part in calls for us to sit down with our belief systems, ask how it makes us feel, and find proof for it. I authentically went into the shadow side first. I didn't go directly to the positive aspects. Unfortunately, that did not come innately. In part 1, I interrogated the cop in my head that I haven’t been able to fully divest from yet, and psychoanalyze an assessment of my negative self-talk.
This post is a little different. Here, I’m basking in the brilliance of what I know to be innately good and true about me and my thought patterns, before all of the negative messaging got internalized.
Yesterday I went for a Solstice walk in nature. As always, she delivered. I hadn't planned on foraging, but as soon as I entered the woods, I laid eyes on the biggest piece of mushroom right there. It came off with ease. I hadn't expected it. Didn't have to fight or struggle to get it. It was the best sign. I was filled with gratitude and introspection. The walk helped me move blockages I wasn’t able to move through myself. It showered me with positive vibrations. The affirming self-talk came pouring through, to the point where I cried ugly tears, snotting up my pashmina and everything. I felt safe enough to be vulnerable. I sat with some hard truths about where and why I felt the way I did in my last post. I had an honest conversation with myself about exactly where they came from, who said what, why I believed them, why I’m struggling to let go. This speech by Malcolm X, "who taught you how to hate yourself," came to mind. I also thought about this conversation Oprah had with Brené Brown on vulnerability, and Oprah mentioned vitriol in the media when she decided to transition from her talk show to owning her own network. She mentioned how it brought her shame because she had in a sense, bought into it herself. Those were some of the discomforts I walked with.
But one thing that came through the clearest was that none of it is entirely true, or even true at all. So, what is the truth, I asked myself, more a question for the trees and my Creator. Here are some thoughts that came to me.
I am a bold trailblazer that in many ways, arrived from the future. I go where few dare, and sometimes, to my demise. But like canaries in unknown mines, some of the greatest have gone forth before the rest, ushering in new ways, or at the very least, showing us what is ahead.
I have always been the risk-taker that jumps in first, finds out how deep the water is later, realizing I should have taken swimming lessons, or at the very least, worn a life jacket. I don’t always fully think things through before I talk, or make moves. The shadow side of that is evident. But the other side, it’s an intuitive drive that shows that I trust not only myself but the higher beings that be. I don’t always know why or how things will fall into place, but I do have a level of faith, even when I so often doubt myself.
I jumped all in with my previous business, and the one I tried to launch after. I had no business training, no sewing experience, never stepped foot in a fashion school, or taken any courses or tutorials on how to launch a travel company. But I had friends that saw potential in me that I hadn’t seen in myself. They planted a seed, and I eventually saw the need and did my best to fill a gap.
I did the same with moving to a different city to pursue my Ph.D. I had no clue what I was doing or how I would do it. I had spent most of my money on my business and had no real savings. I had been trying to manifest Howard University and Chocolate city. I told my Creator I wanted to “study in the Nation’s Capital.” Only, I wasn’t specific and or clear, so I wound up doing just that, studying in the nations capital. Only I’m now studying in Canada’s capital. I've always been a powerful manifestation queen. Even when life tries to block it, if it's right and meant to be, in time the chips fall as they may.
Speaking of D.C. another internal belief system that I had before life turned me sour, was the faith in humanity, and good people.
This knowing that I have everything I needed, everything would work out in my favor, and that humans are decent beings, that has always been my core template. A perfect example was a trip to Washington D.C. in 2012 I believe it was. I had traveled with work colleagues for the AIDS Conference. I left my cell phone on the train one day. Rather than panic, which I’m sure I still did anyway, something said to chill, trust, put my faith in the righteousness of people. At the time, D.C. was my favorite city, and something said, it wouldn’t let me down. I just knew I’d get my phone back. Everyone else was more realistic, they didn't have as much faith, and rightfully so. What were the odds that I'd find the iPhone I had left on a subway in America's capital city? Slim to none.
It crossed my mind that someone would find it, not return it, and pawn it off for some cash. But I refused to believe that narrative. Again, before the evils of the world post-Trump-era, I had faith in humanity to do the right thing. And bless the soul who found and returned my phone. I returned to Toronto with my phone and an even greater love for D.C.
All to say, my belief system is actually quite naïve and wholesome. I’m soft and way too trusting. Child-like and free-spirited. When I feel safe in the world, I throw caution to the wind and live without my walls up. I'm a warrior and soft too. I’m bubbly and filled with energy and laughter. I give the best, deepest, most sincere hugs. It’s unlike me to go this long without touch. I’m an introverted extrovert, the life of the party, and a social butterfly, especially when soca is involved.
I’m a comedian who loves to laugh and loves even more to make others laugh. I make corny and hilarious jokes. I have the biggest heart, always pouring into others, when I'm operating from abundance, that is. I’m the type to ask strangers if they need help, intervene and not mind my own business when it feels necessary, or offer to pay for something for them, even when my funds look kinda lean. It brings me joy to serve and gift others, though I sometimes still secretly wish for it to be reciprocated, making the intentions sometimes a little shaky. I’m tender and kind. Entirely too honest and way too nice, which gets me taken advantage of or in trouble.
I’m rebellious and neurodivergent. I think differently than most and have a beautiful and brilliant mind. I’m kind of a savant in my own way. I'm a nerd in my own way. I shine brightest in geography and social sciences and don't even pretend I understand numbers or math. I love to read, both books and humans. My memory is sharp and poor at the same time. I’m a genius and dotish at the same time. A fast learner who figures it out, case in point, me learning to braid my own hair because financially, I haven’t been in a place to pay others to support me. I’m a creative genius and never short of ideas and stories to tell.
My laptop crashed just yesterday, and I lost a good majority of my files, including all the images I had spent hours downloading for a look book I’m envisioning. This new version of myself wasn’t pressed though. I had the wherewithal to email my Ph.D. writings and a new article I’m working on just the day before, so I didn’t lose what was urgent. The rest, I take as a lesson in patience. I'm pretty sure I lost some of the fiction I had written. But I'll redo it if I have to. I’m resilient like that. After all that I’ve been through, not much gets to me these days. I have to spend my energy wisely, power struggles with machines and humans aren’t the best use of my time. I’ll trust the process, give thanks for what I didn’t lose, and be grateful that the universe cleared my laptop out for me. I look at it as Spring cleaning that came to me. Shifting perspective in the face of tribulation is kind of my thing. I'll be drowning in deep water and pretend I’m floating on a cloud. Consider it as range, or delusion and denial, depending on how you look at it.
I love this body I’ve been given, no matter how much others shame me for it, even when I shame it myself too. My dimples and smile are the best parts about me, though I’m going to start consulting with my nipples more before I let anyone in again, they are about to be the ultimate vibe test, and are so under-rated. My muscle memory is top tier. I've never taken steroids but even when I gain weight and add new cellulite, I somehow stay toned. I thank genetics for that. Black don't crack and the haters stay so mad.
I love my wit and my humour, my high sensitivity and Black girl magic. My intuition is undeniable, when I don’t deny it, that is. I’m crafty and a great salesman, though I’m better at making others money that securing my own bag. I’m not easily seduced by money. Fame and having a good reputation aren’t that important to me. The soul and spiritual work matter most. It’s never been about money, and when I have gone with the grain and done so, it never turned out well for me. I do have a south or north node in Taurus, so I'm working on healing financial trauma and getting right with money, so I can live a life of comfort, if not, luxury. I’m creating a life where I do what I love, so I never feel like I’m working. This is why I’m a writer, storyteller, and finding the courage to claim artist with more ease. I'm done with suffering, with scarcity, and with lack. I want abundance, expansiveness, ease, and pleasure.
It’s still uncomfortable to hail myself up like this. There’s still a part of me that feels like I’ll get sent to the principal’s office for daring to believe in or speak highly of myself. Taking up space is still scary, as I shared in the last post.
But I’m all about multiplicities and telling the whole and full truth. This too is me. I’m a contradictory being. I want all of it it and nothing at all. I can be sad and depressed and still find joy and stillness. One of my fav quotes and the best way to define me comes from an Alanis Morrisette lyric, which is, “you’ve never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes.” That’s the best way to describe me and my belief systems. I am dark and I am light. I am high and I am low. I care too much and I’m unbothered. I'm too sensitive and I'm savage. I am toxic and highly evolved. Introspective and messy. Inappropriate and well-intentioned. Mean-spirited or kind. It really depends on the day and how you come at me.
All to say, my belief system is complicated. Have I ever told you the story of my wisdom teeth experience? It was an accurate description of me, my belief system is just like that.
Do your belief systems run contrary to one another? Are there parts of you that are louder than others? Is it easier for you to identify your shadows than your brighter points? What’s your fav thing about yourself? Do you big up yourself? Is it comfortable to love up and publicly hail yourself up? Do you feel bad for doing so, or think others will judge you as conceited? Do you find confidence annoying and bashful? Does listening to others talk about themselves positively rub you the wrong way? How’s your self-esteem doing today?
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Until next time, in solidarity.